Another Attack

It's Memorial Day and exactly one week since my last attack. Last Monday, I woke up around midnight with another painful attack.Within minutes, I was covered in sweat, the shakes, and chills. "Oh, no" I told my husband. "It's happening again!" Off to the ER I went again. Another CAT scan under my belt making it number 6. The amount of radiation at this point is a concern, but it showed surprising results that the fluid around my pancreas is decreasing which is a Godsend! The unfortunate news is I could potentially have another 2 to 3 attacks in the next 6 to 8 weeks that could land me back in the hospital. The thought is terrifying and sad.

I was released late Friday evening and am so thankful for that. When I was released from the hospital the first time, I promised my little girl I would be well enough for her dance recital. I stressed about it all last week, not being able to fulfill my promise, disappointing my sweet little girl, and the possibility of being forever sick. I feverishly pumped for breast milk at an almost over-achiever pace to try and keep up my supply which I was finally, slowly starting to rebuild. I missed another 4 days of my kids' lives and my sweet little newborn was just starting to rely on me for most of his meals. A huge setback, yes, but I am home and so very blessed and thankful to be.

Yesterday, I watched my beautiful little girl dance her heart out. She was amazing and so happy. The thought of almost missing that pains me and shakes me to my core. The words "You're lucky to be alive" haunts me and makes me fight for this life. Last night, I found one of my nightgowns in her bed. When I asked about it, my husband told me she was sleeping on my side of the bed when I was gone and had a bad dream. She took my nightgown to her bed for comfort and cried. I cried at hearing this thinking about my sweet little 5 year old worried and scared for her Mommy. My sweet and super-mushy 3 year old has always been a little Mommy's boy, but now he is more clingy than ever and afraid to let me out of his site. I pray to God for His grace to keep me healthy and to give me a long life with my babies who I wanted more than anything in this world.

I'm fearful of what lies ahead. My life is forever changed. I am more connected to how precious this life is and how important each minute of every day is.

I'm still moving forward with the shop and will continue to design and fulfill orders for as long as I can. Please keep our family in your prayers and enjoy your own families with all your heart.